Nothing I can do

The school Sarah teaches at is in what they are calling a lockout. Not a labor lockout but a bunch-of-kids-threatening-to-shot-up-the-school lockout. I don’t know anything more then the news stories because the amount of communication with the staff has been minimal.

The scary stuff is that the attack is supposed to come on Thursday. That is what is known. They have arrested 5 total children and release two of those on bonds. Which is great.

What terrifies me, aside from the possibility of Sarah getting shot, is that these kids are 14,15 and 16 years old. That young and contemplating killing a lot of their classmates.

Also the continuity of the plan scares me. They arrested three students for suspicion of the attack and then arrested the next two for suspicion on taking over where their friends left off. What?

Who thinks “My friends got arrested because they were going to shoot up the school, I think I will try the same plan.” Really? I guess if you are a freshmen in high school that logic makes sense.

As a teacher spouse I have always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something like this could happen. But never in my wildest terrified dreams did I imagine it would be this real.

There is a good chance that nothing will happen on Thursday. But there is also a chance that something will. The talk on the news is that it is a “gang” of kids. A GANG OF KIDS!!! Not two kids who are misunderstood or picked on. They have arrested or apprehended 5 kids. WHAT!!!

So instead of spending my days getting excited for Sarah’s summer vacation and getting to see her all the time instead I get to spend my time worrying that she is going to get shot.

The school has already said that kids do not have to do finals if they don’t feel safe at school. But teachers still have to be there. There is no option for them if they don’t feel safe. Why would you continue to have school when kids no longer have to do their finals to get grades.

I know that I don’t have all the facts and most of what I have heard, aside from what is available online, is based on rumors that Sarah has heard. But… those rumors are terrifying. Even if only a tenth of what she has heard comes to pass people are going to die.

If everyone could please keep Sarah and her school in your thoughts I would really appreciate it. Luckily Sarah only has school through Friday so the worrying should be over by then.

Broken

Losing Thomas broke me.

kitten thomas
Kitten Thomas in a Cupboard

I am sure this seems ridiculous to some people and if you are one of those people stop reading.

Loss is always hard. Losing people, animals or other important parts of your life will fuck you up. I always think in the back of my mind that since I have experienced animal related tragedy often in my life that it would make it easier. It didn’t.

I am more of an adult now so I am able to get out of bed, not spend a lot of time weeping and generally make it through the day. This isn’t always easy for me.

Relaxing like a boss
Relaxing like a boss

I have been unable to write. I mean I am writing this post so obviously I can still write but I don’t have the passion in my writing that I once did. I am sure it will come back but I don’t know when.

Apparently Thomas was my writing buddy.

I have stopped making breakfast. Usually I cook breakfast for Sarah and I. Eggs and oatmeal were common. During this time I would hang out with Thomas. He would give me kisses and I would pet him or hold him or just chat with him. Now I have a hard time being in the kitchen.

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Muffin Time

I can’t eat chocolate chip muffins anymore. That is the weirdest thing. Thomas was a strange cat and we would share sweets. He liked chocolate chip muffins(not the chips, just the muffin bits), vanilla wafers and most breads. And since he was my pal I would share with him.

The other day we went to the Human Being to get our usual. I wasn’t going to get a muffin but I decided to get one because they are so tasty. I got it at 6 am-ish and didn’t eat it until closer to noon. I couldn’t bring myself to open the muffin since I didn’t have my little friend to share it with.

Thomas Couch
Sleepy Kitty

There are constant little things that push me into sadness. Thomas would sit on my lap or next to me during most of my normal activities at home. So all of those activities are missing something.

I am sure that I will move on from this. I am a human being and therefore I am adaptable. At some point the ball of sadness that resides in my heart will make its way to my brain and will just become part of the memories that I have of Thomas.

The nice thing is that I have 10+ years of good memories of Thomas and only a few weeks of sad memories. I know that at some point there will be another animal that resides in the spot of my heart occupied by Thomas. My heart is broken, but it will repair itself as it always has.

Do I regret loving Thomas as much as I did? Not at all. That cat helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. He was my constant companion when Sarah was sick. He was a little ball of fur when I needed a little ball of fur. I told him how I was feeling. He caught my tears and didn’t mind. He was he best.

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A boy and his cat

He will be missed.

C is for Cancer

Cape
Super Cat

Thomas is dying.

He has a tumor in his spleen that will kill him. There is no cure. We can have his spleen removed, put him on chemo and hope for the best but at most we are looking at is 2 years with Thomas. We don’t want to put Thomas through all of that since there is no real happy ending.

We have decided that we will make him comfortable, make sure he isn’t suffering and will put him to sleep when the time comes.

This is hard. Thomas is currently sitting on my lap while I type this. He always does this. It helps me write. I am going to miss it.

Thomas has been part of our lives since we lived in Fort Collins. He is our first pet. He is the best cat I have ever known. I am having a hard time imagining not having him.
This is not the first time that I have lost a pet. I have lost many pets over the years, mostly because I have had many pets over the years. Most of them were gerbils, snakes and birds; there was a memorable ferret mixed in there as well.

This is the first time the pet has been my pet. Thomas is my cat. Sure he started out as both of ours but at some point Thomas and I formed a special bond. We hang out together all the time. He loves to sit on one side of the couch and give Sarah dirty looks. He then looks over at me with adoring eyes.

He lets me carry him everywhere and anywhere. I dusted the TV with him once, I am not sure why, and he loved me for it. He comes a sleeps with me at night. He runs to me when I get home. He is my cat.

And soon, he will be gone.

Every creatures life has a beginning and an end. Some of us are lucky enough to find other creatures that enrich our lives. Thomas enriched our life. He still does. He was our first adult choice. We chose to get a cat. And when we did that we promised that we would do what was best for him no matter what. And we have.

Unfortunately cancer sucks. And it sucks hard. Thomas has between now and 6 months before we will need to put him to sleep. All I can think about is how I can have as much time with him as possible. How do I show him how much I love him? How do I let him know that we are doing what we think is best for him?

I have no answer to those questions. I know that I would never do anything to hurt Thomas. And because of that I have to think that whatever we decide to do is the right thing.

Please keep us in your thoughts. Please think happy thoughts for Thomas. Please be patient with us. It may be a rough year.

Capes
Oh yeah, We are the coolest

You can't spell awesome without ME!!