It started out as a blog post. 1000 words about dealing with fear and failure using fun. I shared it with Harper and he encouraged me to write an e-book. So I did.
Since I have a full time job I wrote a lot of the book in short spurts. When I was on a computer I used draft. Draft is a great online word processor made only for writing. It is fantastic. I recommend it to anyone who needs an online writing solution.
Unfortunately I don’t spend that much time in front of a computer. I spend most of my time in a car waiting for people to show up for appointments. I needed a way to write in my car. A laptop would have been ideal. I have a mac mini at home and that is not super portable. Sarah has a laptop but I didn’t want to steal it from her.
I do have an iPad though. After much researching I found a nice keyboard that converts the iPad into a basic laptop. I wrote 3/4 of this book on that. I was quite happy with the way it all worked together. I would write in pages on the ipad, save to iCloud and then copy paste into Draft. That allowed me to use Drafts built in editors to help me write better.
The other tool I found useful was Hemingway. This app is great because it helps you simplify your writing in a non-destructive way. It highlights sections that are troublesome and then unhighlights them once you fix them. Really helps getting rid of passive voice in writing.
Yesterday I was attacked. Physically attacked. I am not going to go into the details of that as the investigation is ongoing. What I want to delve into is the feelings I am currently experiencing.
Aside from being pissed off, I am shocked. In my world, my nice little naive world, people don't attack people. I know this is not true, because I have the internet and I read about the horrible things people do to other people, but in my world this is not something that happens. I live in a comfortable world where everyone talks about problems and we find solutions. People don't just attack other people.
I am hurting, both physically and mentally. My body is bruised, and I am still finding new marks left by my attacker. It is sad that he is now my attacker. Not anyone elses, mine. Mentally I think I have some weird shit going on. I am a victim.
I am not worried about this happening again. I will be going through life knowing this can happen. Because it already happened. Maybe this is a good thing. And maybe, since I like to think I am adaptable, I will be able to turn this experience into a positive one.
How does one move past this feeling? I am a forgiving person and yet this feels like something that I can never look past. Luckily it wasn't someone close to me, basically a stranger, but I feel anger in my heart that I can't let go. I don't understand the why of the situation. Why couldn't we just talk? Why did you have to make it physical?
I wish I was a comic book character so I could become a superhero and fight away all the injustice in the world. I would like to think that this experience will make me more aware of this possibility without it affecting how I work with people.
This event has shown me, at a very personal level, that our actions directly affect those around us. By attacking me this person has created a ripple through my life, changing me in ways that I don't understand. I am sure that this action has affected his life in ways I will never know.
How do I punch through? My current solution is to watch all of the hobbit movies released so far(already done), followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I will also be eating desserts in a more abnormal quantity. I know I need to talk to someone but it is really hard to do. I almost feel ashamed of what happened. I think my brain would have an easier time if I just accepted that somehow it was my fault that I was attacked. But I won't think that. I won't accept that.
I realize that I am lucky. The attack could have been so much worse. I could have more than a strained shoulder and bruises. I think that I am glad that it was me that was attacked instead of other people. I would rather experience this pain than inflict it on other people.
I have always said that I am a pacifist. And this attack showed me how true that is. I did not react with violence. I just walked away and called the police. How other people can fall back to violence as a means of communication is beyond me.
Everybody that reads this: please keep peace with you, don't use violence to solve your problems.
Growing up we always had a plethora of animals. Where Harper had computers I had animals. I raised every type of consumer rodent, a ferret, two snakes and one iguana. Some of these went better than others. The iguana was hard. The ferret was awesome but got cancer. This led me to be a lover of all animals.
When I was eighteen I decided I wanted a dog of my own. I had gotten a cat of my own when I was sixteen and wanted to add a dog to my collection. Dogs and cats were a part of my family for as long as I can remember. The first dogs I remember were two shetland sheepdogs(I think) name Roxanne and Trinket. Aside from being really nice dogs they also had the best names for a pair of dogs ever. When I decide I want something I tend to research the shit out of it and decide what I want.
As such I researched all sorts of different types of dogs. Border collies, bearded collies, Jack Russell Terriers and Newfoundlands topped the list. But there were many dogs I would have loved to have had. But I was never in a place to get a dog. When Sarah and I moved in together I would have loved to have gotten a dog, but it wasn’t my house and so we got Thomas. Thomas was amazing. Greatest cat ever. He reminded me why I love cats.
He was goofy and graceful, playful and aloof, and above all he was a love. The thing with cats is that if they love you you have made it. You have earned the love of something that could really care less about you. Thomas loved me. And I loved him.
One of the things that Sarah always said was that the Inn was full. Meaning that we already had too many animals in the house and didn’t have room for more. Which is a valid point. Three animals plus two humans is more then enough. When Sarah and I moved our families started to talk about how we should get a dog. We had a yard and room for another animal. Sarah and I talked about it.
We felt it was unfair of us to bring another being into our house that would take our time away from our cats. Also it would be unfair to inflict our schedules on a dog. But we talked about it.
Then we lost Thomas.
Suddenly our world turned upside down. A huge part of our lives was gone forever. We knew we could never replace Thomas nor did we want to. Again we talked about getting a dog. I think Sarah would have happily bought me any dog I wanted just to end the pain I was in. I think that she was preparing herself to the reality that is a puppy, thinking that when the time came to get another animal, to fill the vacancy, we would get a dog.
There was an emptiness in our house. We had two wonderful cats, Reno and Beda, but the light seemed to have gone out of our house. We were sad all the time. I started working crazy hours to spend less time alone in the house. We talked about getting another animal. As I thought more about it I realized something.
I like dogs, but I love Cats.
When I mentioned this to Sarah I think she was a little surprised. I have talked about getting a dog for a long time. Probably the entire time we have been together. And yet when given the opportunity to get a dog, I chose to look at cats.
Every cat I have ever been around has been a domestic short hair, which is cat for mutt. They have all been wonderful. Sure Rascal and Ed were mean, Zeppelin was silly and Scooter was completely insane; but they were also the most interesting creatures I had ever been around. Add to the list Reno, Beda and Thomas and you have the most fun group of creatures ever. But I wanted something different. I wanted a purebred cat.
I am not sure why. Maybe it was because of all of the diffeerent types of purebred cat or maybe it is because I have never had one before. But I wanted one.
Before I got Scooter I had thought of getting a purebred cat. I was sixteen and had no money so I couldn’t but I had researched the crap out of cat breeds. Personally I was a fan of the Cornish Rex. Cornish Rexes have curly short hair, feel like velvet and love to play. They are basically little dogs. I also love all of the big cats: Maine Coons, Norwegian Mountain Cats, etc. Talking to Sarah she had one breed she loved: Exotic Shorthairs.
Looking at exotic shorthairs you can’t help but fall in love with them. They are a short hair persian. All the personality and squishy face, none of the long hair and genetic problems. They are super cute.
Having looked at them and research them I took to the internet to find a breeder. I was hopeful to find one in Colorado and as luck would have it I did. I was checking out the website and I noticed they had a kitten available. I sent it to Sarah and she was curious. I called the lady and asked about the kitten. She told me about her, about how she was going to be part of her breeding program but she got another kitty instead to bring in new blood. About how she is a love. I was sold.
Sarah and I talked more about it and decided to get her. Sarah had only one requirement: We needed to wait a week before getting her so we could get our house in order. I agreed and we sent off a deposit.
We went and picked her up last Thursday. She is the sweetest cat I have ever met. She cried once during the two-and-a-half hour ride home. That is all. Reno cries that much just to be let outside. She just chilled in her kennel with not a care in the world. Needless to say she has weaseled her way into our hearts.